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Saturday, July 23, 2016

10 BLOWJOB HORROR STORIES



Giving head is a bit of an art. It’s a skill developed over time (plus a sh*tload of practice, some poor decisions and a lot of alcohol). We’ve all had our good and bad experiences with blowjobs.
It’s part of growing up. Having some dude come in your face is a chapter in your coming-of-age story (pun not intended).
I mean, blowjobs create a sticky situation. Balls are flying at your nose, and your airways are blocked, so you can’t breathe. There’s surprise semen, skull-f*cking, nubbins and the like. There’s no lack of material for awkward stories. Around every corner is another tale of BJ woe. I should know… I asked!
Blowjobs are all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Luckily, you’re in no way alone. Here are 10 real Millennials on their most insane, cringe-worthy, amazingly terrible blowjob stories:

1. Breakfast of champions.

I was giving a blowjob to this guy, and I really decided to go for it. I have a bad gag reflex. Like, so bad. I’m always gagging and feeling nauseated all the time. Lord only knows why I decided to get ambitious.
Anyway, I go in for the big pull, and I literally vom on the guy’s dick a little bit. I want to say I’m joking, but I’m not. It gets worse. I then played it off, swallowed my vomit and continued to the finish. That makes me a champion.
– Kaleb, 22.

2. If it ends with a black eye, it probably wasn’t good.

One of my friends was drunk in college and blowing a guy on her bed (which was on risers). She whipped her top off and flung herself off the bed and hit the corner of her eye on the desk. The guy immediately left. She had a black eye.
– Katie, 25.

3. Black out; throw up.

I almost threw up on a dick because I was so drunk and he shoved it down so far. I was in eighth grade (#slutty). And I even threw up all over his floor. Worst part was that everyone in my hometown found out about it. Needless to say, I had a bad reputation.
– Anne, 21.
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4. She has nothing else to say, and neither do we.

I was coming up for air mid-blowjob, and the guy came in my nose. I have nothing else to say.
– Kellie, 26.

5. ‘Twas a nubbin, I say!

Freshman year at bro college (SUNY Albany). Coming back to this guy’s dorm after a night of drinking at the local underage bar spot, Chubby’s (how fitting).
We go back to his suite, and his roommates aren’t home — awesome! We start making out; he pulls off my shirt and leads me to the bed.
Now, I came to college very inexperienced. But I’m always down to experiment. So the first thing I do is take his pants off. I get myself under the covers, pull down his underwear, and lo and behold, there it is… not.
Now, I’m not a rude girl, but in my inexperienced state I just gasped… very loudly. He lifts up the covers and goes, ‘What?’
And now I’m thinking, ‘Sh*t, Nicole, think of something!’ So I look at him wide-eyed and say, ‘Uhh, nothinggg… Iloveit!’ and sloppily shove the entire half-chub thing into my mouth. He couldn’t finish, so I put my clothes back on and booked it. Haven’t seen him since.
– Nicole, 24.

6. Is this a literal plastic bag or a euphemism?

One time when I got crazy drunk, I made the guy promise me (before I drank) that we wouldn’t have sex, because I knew we had no condoms.
Later, I of course wanted to have sex so badly, so I started to blow him and accidentally hurt him a little with my teeth because I was drunk out of my mind.
I then continued to try to seduce him and begged him to find a plastic bag to use for sex.
– Jules, 23.

7. Skull-f*ck to freedom!

I was once was making out this guy. I had probably given like two blowjobs in my life. I was and still am very selfish lover. Like, if I’m not getting anything out of it, what is the point?
Anyway, I decide to give this guy a BJ, because I’m feeling generous. As I’m going forth, he unexpectedly pushes my head down. Like skull-f*cks me with no warning whatsoever.
I nipped his dick. Yup.
– Gigi, 24.

8. “Dora the Explorer,” the original aphrodisiac.

The first time I gave a blowjob, the TV was on. It was on one of the movies-on-demand channels, so it kept replaying the same commercials over and over. I started to do the deed and suddenly a cartoon commercial came on — maybe “Dora the Explorer” — and the character kept saying, ‘Faster! faster! You can do it!’ I started laughing, and so did the guy — mid-BJ. It was cute.
– Jessica, 22.

9. Boners, Asthma and Chivalry: A Drama.

My freshman year of college, I ran into a girl from my orientation group at a bar. Hot off the heels of a breakup, I made a move and she reciprocated. We ended up in my dorm room, where we started shedding clothes, and she then proceeded to go down on me.
I was on my back trying to do my part when I suddenly heard her gagging a little. The poor girl lifts her head and starts giving very labored, unnerving breaths.
I sit up with her and ask her what’s wrong. She keeps apologizing to me and explains she’s having an asthma attack and that her inhaler is in her room in a separate building.
Not sure how grave her situation is, I elect to take her in my arms and help her calm down (not unlike that scene with Mel Gibson in “Signs,” but I digress). After a while, her breathing stabilized and she was up for more shenanigans.
I, on the other hand, was too thrown to feel sexy right then and there and vowed to take a rain check. I walked her home, and we spent the rest of our four years there dodging eye contact in the cafeteria.
– Jonathan, 25.

10. If you don’t cringe, check your pulse, because you’re probably dead.

I was giving a blowjob while my boyfriend was driving. I was 15 and I had braces. He made me wear a condom because he felt bad coming in my mouth. The braces cut my lip, and then there was blood everywhere.
– Maria, 26.

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